For those of you that may follow my blogs, I mentioned early on at the start of this process that it is imperative that we re- visit our original priority lists on a regular basis. For those of us that now consider ourselves “veterans” of dating over 60, I think it is easy to be complacent about our real goals.
Personally, I am still not clear on what I want or expect in a relationship. I am very sure of what I do not want. I absolutely do not want marriage, but would not rule out living with the right person at some point in my lifetime. I would like to find my soul mate, best friend, someone that always has my best interests…don’t we all?
I am a mother and love my daughter and granddaughter very much…but they are not involved in my life on a daily basis. I do not understand or want to be involved with a man that has an adult child living with him indefinitely. I love the freedom of not having the daily responsibility and focus that children require. I have raised my daughter to be independent and self-sufficient, and have already endured all the responsibilities that child rearing entails. I do not want to experience that again, I have been there, done that ( have the t-shirt). This should be our time, we deserve this!
All of that being said, I now find myself in that situation again. I am guilty of ignoring all that I aspire to. I completely accept my shortcomings, I hold myself entirely responsible for this situation, I tend to always find a “fix”. After a twenty year marriage with the inevitable “blending of families” issues, I was adamant that I would not go through that again. On dating sites, I would screen for adult children and read carefully details about where they lived, in town or out of town. How attached or involved with their families is he on a daily basis? Does the potential mate applaud their adult children’s success and independence? For me, children still living at home was a definite no-no. Does this make me a bad person? Perhaps… some people might think so. I feel it is important to be up front and be honest with yourself and your partner to what is acceptable and desirable in a relationship.
This is where it gets difficult, I am already involved. We have been dating for a few months, we get along great and I do feel he is my best friend. I care about him deeply, he is one of the best men that I have ever met, I would hate to lose him as a friend. I was aware that he had a 22 year old daughter, still living at home and not interested in leaving any time soon. They really have no other options, she has never been on her own, years from graduating from college and does not work. She is not social and depends on her father for financial support, friendship and entertainment. She is a bright young lady but very immature for her age. I chose to overlook this situation and we avoided talking about this. I had blinders on…I did not think this would affect me in any way, I was wrong. I am not a saint, I have been known to have little patience. I have made some attempts to befriend her, but even my partner admits that she does not appreciate “sharing” her dad.
Where do we go from here? It is actually an impossible situation. I cannot expect my partner to release his 22 year old out into the world unequipped to deal with life. On the other hand, this is not a situation that I choose to participate in and I do want to be a priority in a relationship at this stage of my life. When we take a vacation or go on a date, I do not want the daily phone calls to make sure she is okay or has enough to eat. Privacy is not an option when I am visiting his home. Unfortunately, there isn’t any easy solution.
All of this could have been avoided. We all must make the lists, prioritize our goals and stipulations. Some things should not be compromised. We all must decide on our own “must haves and have nots”. Most importantly, be true to yourself and feelings. This is not being cruel, on the contrary, it will avoid hurtful outcomes.
I still (try) remain forever optimistic!